A collection of images that stimulate the senses, the mind and influence creativity. (Hopefully)
“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via dorkvader)
i feel like this should be published and sold everywhere
Oh—you wouldn’t date a girl who’s ever been a stripper?
In that case, I wouldn’t date a guy who’s ever been to a strip club.
Oh—you wouldn’t date a girl who’s ever done porn?
In that case, I wouldn’t date a guy who’s ever watched porn.
You’re the reason we exist.
You’re the demand to our supply.
If you disdain sex workers, don’t you dare consume our labor.
As they say in the industry, “People jack off with the left hand and point with the right.””
the fact that the real world could have involved dragons, unicorns, magic, time travel and insane adventures but instead has things like taxes is why i read so much
This lizard shoots blood out of its eyes to deter predators
This bird has tiny dinosaur claws on its wings and its chicks can climb like goddamn monkeys
This thing is literally named the Vampire Squid from Hell, and it’s so lazy that it uses optical illusions to trick its predators into thinking it’s running away really fast instead of actually running away
When these ants squabble over territory, instead of fighting they have a dance-off. The winner of the dance-off gets to enslave the other colony
This diagram is of one of many planets made of solid diamond
And here’s a picture of our galaxy in space which, by the way, would taste of raspberries and smell of rum:
This adorable dear is a water bear, a very tiny animal with a weird internal pulley system for movement. It can survive being dried out and rehydrated (in nature it depends on it), and can survive in open space without air, pressure or radiation shielding for at least ten days and be fine.
Naked mole rats are not only the only eusocial mammals, but are also cold-blooded and immune to cancer.
There are a LOT of animals that navigate via electricity
or can “see” through sound echoes
or have the regenerative properties of mythical trolls
These guys live in water between 2C and 464C (35-867F) at 300atm of pressure, sometimes in water as briny as vinegar… and they’re far from the only species to do it
Caterpillars turn completely to goo in their cocoons and their adult forms grow within it. Hundreds of species of parasite mind-control their hosts, including those that affect humans. Wheat as we know it isn’t rightfully a single species; it’s a 2-way hybrid with twice as many sets of chromosomes as it should rightfully have, created by us. Microorganisms genetically engineer plants to change their shape to provide homes for the tiny engineers. If you mess up the mRNA distribution in a newly fertilised fly egg, you can make a fly with two heads and no butt. Fruit flies get drunk in the same way that humans do; they’re a remarkable model for all kinds of human things, even though they shouldn’t be all that similar to us at all. Beavers change entire landscapes to colonise new areas. Bacteria far up in the sky help clouds to form. Diamonds are born not from the bones of dinosaurs, as many believe, but in the hearts of volcanoes. If you capture lightning on a super high speed camera, you can see many little spots of light branch out and seek the ground, calling up positive branches until one tendril from the sky meets one from the land and the energy of the could is immediately discharged in a bright, hot flash. We don’t yet know what lives in magma. We can deduce the heart of a star, but we can’t explore the hundreds of other planets in the galaxy like ours. The trillions and trillions of microorganisms living in your gut act like digestive organs that it’s very hard to live without, and there are 10x as man of them as there are human cells in you; you could argue that you’re 9% human. If you fold a single (hypothetical, infinite) piece of paper 42 times, it will reach past the moon. The eye has evolved independently on Earth at least 40 times, and possibly as many as 65 times. There are no muscles in your fingers. A rhino’s horn and your hair are the same structure. A horse’s hoof and your fingernail are the same structure. Some of your thinking isn’t done in your brain — it’s done at the top of your spine, throughout your spine, in your intestines, and in your heart. Your brain fills in the gaps of what you don’t see, but mentally interpreting what you do see is largely done inside the eyes. A lot of an octopus’ thinking is done in its arms.
But sure, gripe at the universe for not giving us pointy horses. Without them I guess it’s all pretty boring.
(Fantasy novels can be pretty great though)
Allow me to add that this is a world in which human beings have encountered, in one way or another, all of the living creatures seen here: http://camwyn.tumblr.com/tagged/ladies-and-gentlemen-i-present-to-you:-the-ocean - because fantasy writers would be told to sit down and start editing if they came up with animals that patently bizarre.